All posts in Recipes

By Jessica | June 9, 2009 | Main Courses, Recipes, Snackin, Salads and Apps | 5 Comments

What do you get when you combine a thirst from a hangover and a hunger from being a fat ass? Fat Salad. Fat Salad is a delicious wet and crunchy salad, layered with the meatiest, creamiest, endulgentiest morsels. You can really do it with anything. You may remember a little something called Something Meaty on Something Greeny? Yep, here we are again. And this time, I’m throwing on some egg yolk. Be forewarned, you will tear this mother up.

Oh, actual useful note: choose two of the three suggested highlighted items: shitakes, sopressata and asparagus. My rec is you do vagitarian OR the sopressata and the asparagus. Not that shitakes and sopressata are like Charlie and fingers, but I’m not sure they do anything for each other. Or not. Be all the fat you can be.

Fat Salad

Salad with Asparagus, Sopressata, Shitake Mushroom and Fried Egg

Salad greens for 2, prob something not too strong like mesclun
Sopressata, sliced in strips. you can also use a high quality salami, etc.
1 tbs salted butter
6 large, fresh shitake caps
15 ish stalks of asparagus
Tad bit of olive oil
4 eggs
Fresh pepper
Olive oil for garnish
Serves 2.

Slice your mushroom caps. Heat a skillet with butter. Yeah – I said butter. Toss in the shrooms and saute until soft and buttery. While cooking, put a small pot of salted water on to boil. Trim your asparagus stalks and cut in half. Put your greens on your plate – this shit is going to move fast. After your pork product is sliced, beautifully distribute over the greens. At this point, your shrooms are probably done and your water is probably boiling. Set the mushrooms aside and toss in a bit of olive into the same pan. Over medium to high heat, crack your eggs for a good fry up. The goal is to produce a quick cook of the whites with a crunchy outside, while maintaining a yolky middle.

As soon as you crack your eggs, throw your asparagus in the boiling water. Let em blanch for 60 seconds. At this point, your eggs are probably ready too. Crack some pepper over them bad boys. Now we layer.

On the lettuce and sopressata, put the mushrooms. Then the asparagus. The the eggs. Drizzle just a tiny ass bit of olive on the outer leaves that didnt get blessed by the delicious juices from your hot shit.

Best bite: yolky lettuce and sopressata

I ate this with 2 vodka sodas. Not a bad idea to include. Just sayin.

By Jessica | April 16, 2009 | Main Courses, Projects, Recipes, Snackin, Salads and Apps | 8 Comments

I love Easter cause it’s all the food and none of the shopping. It’s not that I don’t like giving (or getting) christmas or kwanza gifts for my loved ones. It’s that if I have to stand in one more holiday line, fight my way through one more crowd of coupon-wielding buyers, I will punch a bitch in their mouth. And that’s why JJ loves Easter. You get to eat lots with fam and get drunk without having to remember to leave cookies for jesus.

B and I hosted this year. We had my fam and friends without fam (or friends with fam that don’t love them much). And instead of packing the place with the usual overfed fatties, we wanted to cook a regular amount of food for a regular sized plate – very unamerican of us. (well, B’s not american, that’s probably where that comes from). Anyways. We made lamb, roast potatoes, salad and asparagus. Check it, check it out to the bricka bricka.

Roasted Leg of Lamb
5.5 lbs of boneless lamb
2.5 lbs of boneless lamb
5 cloves or garlic
leaves from 4 stalks of rosemary
olive oil
salt
pepper
baking twine / string
Serves 12

I grabbed these two pieces of lamb /\ and cut the larger one in half so I had thee equal pieces of meat. You can do two 4lb pieces if you want but it will change the cooking time. The night before you are to gorge on this lamb roast, toss your garlic and rosemary leaves into the food processor. While pulsing, drizzle olive oil until it becomes a paste. You may have to pause to scrape the sides of the processor. When the paste is made, swath over your lamb meat and and stick in the fridge for a day.

About 30 minutes prior to roasting, pull out the lamb and bring to room temp. Preheat your oven to 450 degree. While waiting, wrap your lambs up into tight little footballs with your cooking string. It will be obvious where you are doing the folding and the tightening – promise. Tie that mother tight and place each piece into one large roasting pan.

Roast at 450 for 15 minutes. Reduce the temp to 325 and roast until the meat is at 125 for medium rare. Go get yourself a meat thermometer. It will change everything. Gonna be about 45 minutes at 325, but I can’t tell you exactly cause there are too many variables. Remove from oven and let sit for 15 minutes. Get your hot piece of meat (for me, that’s B) to cut your roast against the grain for optimal tenderoni.

Tangerine and Fennel Over Greens
This is the same tired ass salad I made the other night but I just cannot get enough of this shit.

Grilled Asparagus with Hollandaise Sauce
I’m not going to bother to give you a recipe for the hollandaise sauce cause it’s not worth it. I mean, it was good, but really i just used tyler florence’s tastiness and I know you aren’t going to make this shit anyways.

Grilled Asparagus Recipe: Buy asparagus. Cut asparagus. Oil asparagus. Grill asparagus. Eat asparagus. Pee asparagus.

Roast Potatoes English Style
I don’t know how to make these – this was all B. But dead ass, this was the best thing on the table. Thank you Mama B for giving your son a butt like that and also teaching him how to make these nuggets of love. Maybe if we are lucky, he’ll jump in with a guest post and grace us with a recipe.

And last but not least, thanks so so much to K and P (click those letters) for taking these dizzle pics we see here. Never would have been able to wield a camera and a spatula and feed your asses at the same time. Big ups.

By Jessica | April 8, 2009 | Main Courses, Recipes | 1 Comment

Do you ever decide that Tonight is Thee Night that you are going to get hammered? Yeah, me too. Luckily, B thinks it’s funny when I throw up. But you know what he doesn’t think is funny? My face getting splattered with hot wok oil. I think that’s why he took over the cheffing of our Duck Fried Rice the other night. You knew that duck fried rice was coming, right? Cause I made duck breastesess the other night and you know I didn’t finish my plate. And what’s better than eating duck for dinner? Eating duck for leftovers the next night. Wordemup.

I don’t usually put pics of the ingredients /\ but thought it would save some time so yall would know what I was blathering about.

Duck Fried Rice

1/2 or 1 cup spicy kimchi
fermented beans, korean style, if you can find em. If not, no big woop.
carrots, julienne
cooked duck, cubed, however much your fat ass wants
1 scoop of bean paste
5 cups of cooked rice
1/8 c of soy or tamari
1 cup of cilantro, chopped
2 scallions, sliced
sesame, drizzled on top
Sirachi, for garnish, if desired
Serves 2 drunk mother fuckers.

Heat your wok. Depending on how well seasoned it is (seasoned means oily), you may or may not have to use a bit of oil. Veg or peanut oil work juuuust fine. Heat your work and add the oil. When the oil is hot, throw in your kimchi. For this recipe, I like to use the one with all the veg in it and not just the cabbage. When heated through, throw in the beans and the carrots. After the carrots are heated through, toss in your meat. Add in a generous dollop of bean paste and mix. After 60 seconds, move it all to the side and add your rice. Fry for a smidge and then stir well until everything is incorporated. Add the soy sauce or tamari – which ever one you are using. When everything is nice and hot and you’re drooling, serve into two eatin bowls. Garnish with cilantro, scallions and sesame oil. I also add… wait for it… sirachi. Duh.

By Jessica | April 5, 2009 | Get Your Drink On, Other People's Recipes, Recipes, Snackin, Salads and Apps | 2 Comments

…when she broke her leg, gravy came out.

This post is dedicated to madukes who knows how to throw and feed a party. Not to say that my mama’s fat and got gravy legs cause her legs are just the beginning of her hotness, but just thought I would get the mama jokes out the way so yall don’t have to. Ya hear? Really. You really don’t have to.

Last night, she had her crew over and as usual, went above and beyond with the spread. If you want a lesson in party food, lemme let you know that this is where it’s at. All recipes are available, just let a chick know in the comments and maybe madukes will bring it with a guest post.

B and I brought jello shots to the shindig. Damn easy: follow the instructions on the box which calls for 1 part boiling water, 1 part cold water. Substitute the cold water with vodka and walla, you got your self a real-life sorwhority party up in this piece.

Check this menu.

Dried Italian Sausage, English Cheddar, Chorizo, Pepper Jack (I hovered here for a bit):

Salsa and Guacamole, a must:

Hummus and Vegetable. No recipe for this one here cause this is straight up Sahadis. Why mess with perfection?:

Mozzarella, Tomato, Basil Salad AKA Caprese AKA Get In My Mouth:

Olives. Again, thank you Sahadis.

BBQ Pulled Pork, served as sliders with hot dog buns cut in half:

Artichoke and Spinach Dip. Ma refers to this as her favorite white trash dish. For me, it’s tied with tuna salad with crushed potato chips. Holla.:

Triple Creme Brie with Grapes (pretty sure I added on a whole roll of fat with this one):

Jello Shots, cause it ain’t a party till your holding a strangers hair back over the vomatoriam:

Let me know next time you’re hosing and I’ll come eat all your food. Word.

By Jessica | March 18, 2009 | Main Courses, Recipes | 3 Comments

Since I had bacon for breakfast, and two dinners: buffalo wings and beer, then ramen with pork later that night, my heart was banging and begging for some heart healthy love. So I set about creating a fat-free, sugar-free, guilt-free, and everything else bad for you-free meal for me and B. Since we recently became obsessed with the spicy green papaya salad from thai restaurants, I built a larger meal around that idea. And hot damn that shit is good. I mean, not as good as how much we need to help the US citizens of South Africa get more maps, but probably almost as good, you know, for our kids, such as, I believe. Maps.

Spicy Mango and Shrimp Salad

1/2 head of bibb lettuce, tore apart
1/2 cup of fresh cilantro, chopped
1/2 cup of fresh basil, chopped
1 jalapeno, finely diced
1/2 inch ginger, peeled and finely diced
1/2 almost ripe mango, cut in thin, 1 inch strips
1 scallion, cut in thin, 1 inch strips
1 carrot, peeled and cut in thin, 1 inch strips
1/2 cucumber, peeled and cut in 1 inch strips
1/4 cup of salted peanuts

Shrimp:
20 medium shrimps, peeled
1 tbs of paprika
1/2 tbs of cayenne
drizzle of olive oil

Dressing:
2 parts soy sauce
2 parts rice or white vinegar
1 parts sirachi
1 part sesame oil

Serves 2 hungry heffers.

After your shreemps are peeled and washed, sprinkle with the spices and mix in the olive oil. Let sit for 20 minutes while you chop your veg and get your dressing on point.

Mix your greens, cilantro and basil together, and divide in two eatin bowls. Sprinkle the jalapeno and ginger over the greens. In pretty little piles, place mounds of the mango, scallion, carrot and cucumbers around the outer edge of the bowl over the lettuce. Don’t mix – it will look awesomer this way.

Combine the first 3 ingredients of your dressing. Slowly whisk in the oil. Feel free to play with the amounts to achieve success for your taste buds. Now pour over your prepared salad.

Heat your stove top grill pan, or skillet and place the shrimp. After a minute and a half, flip. Cook for another minute and a half. Grab and place in a delicious little pile in the center of your salad.

Sprinkle with the peanuts. Write me a note and tell me you sweat this salad.

By Jessica | March 11, 2009 | Main Courses, Recipes, Snackin, Salads and Apps | 2 Comments

We are back with Course 2 of The Dinner Party Report. I knew you would come back. I so had you at spatula.

So, dudes. Want to make something cheap and tasty that makes your belly happy? Make this. Forserz, make. this. This beef recipe goes particularly well with the kimchi rice because the beef is kinda sweet and the rice is kinda spicy with a touch of bitter. Together, it is a symphony of tasteful beauty, all dripply with egg yolk and yum.

Course 2: Korean Braised Beef over Kimchi Rice with Fried Egg

2 lbs of beef, cut in chunks for stew
1 c flour
3 tbs veg or canola oil
3 tbs of rice vinegar

Braising Liquid:
4 scallions, sliced, separate the green from the white, reserve the green for garnish
1c soy sauce
1/4 rice vinegar
2 tbs sesame oil
2 tbs red pepper flakes
2 inches of ginger, peeled and finely chopped
4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
2 tbs black pepper
1 tbs sesame seeds
3 cups of water

In a heavy cast iron pot or dutch oven, add your oil and heat. While waiting, add your flour and beef to a plastic baggie. Shake the shit out of it chris brown style. With a tong, grab each chunk, shake the excess flour and place in the hot oil. Brown. Do not over crowd your pot. Also, don’t be afraid to add more oil if it gets all used up. Just remember that if you add it, you have to make sure it gets hot before you add more meat. Brown your biff until its all browned up.

To prepare your braising liquid, add all the ingredients except for the water into a bowl and mix well. At this point, your pot should be all caked with burnt up beafy goodness. With the heat on, take your 3 tbs of vinegar and poor over this gold. Using a wooden spoon, scrape the shit out of your pot and mind the gold. These delicious flavor crystals will add mo pushing to the gooshin.

Add your braising liquid and let it heat up. Add your biff. Add water until it covers the meat. Stir. Let bring to a boil uncovered. When boiling, cover and reduce heat to as low as a flame as you can possibly dare. Let this shit cook for 2, 3, 4 hours? Till the shits falling apart on your tongue. Eat over the kimchi rice below, garnished with the reserved sliced greens of the scallion. Taste the rainbow.

Kimchi Rice with Fried Egg

For this recipe, you gots to get you some traditional kimchi. And don’t try to make mines for this. Mines is dope and delicious and my mouth is watering as I type these very words, but you need yourself some real, fermented cabbage. Go. If you are in NYC, I found some in k-town on 29th-ish and 5th ave. You can also get it at great wall super market. And I bet some trendy shit store like whole foods has it as well.

2 c of kimchi (packed well)
veg or canola oil for frying
1 inch of ginger, peeled and finely chopped
6 c cooked rice
sirachi for taste

Take your store bought kimchi and dice. Make sure to squeeze the liquid before taking out of the container because you are going to want to pour that over the rice later and don’t want it all dripping up on the board. You are looking for a good chop here.

Using a wok or a big ass frying pan, heat your oil and throw in your ginger. After 2 minutes, throw in the kimchi. After 4 minutes, fold in your rice. Make it hot. Put some hot sauce on it if you want. Pour the extra kimchi juice over it to make it moist. For the best part: fry some eggs, keep the yolk. Put it on top. Eat with the braised beef. You can also do a poached egg if you like that better.

Check Course 1 here.