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By Jessica | July 16, 2010 | In The News, Main Courses, Other People's Recipes, Restaurants | No comments

Meatopia, co-hosted by Josh Ozersky (food writer) and Jimmy Carbone (Taste of Tribeca & Good Beer Month), is essentially 25 chefs gathered on Governors Island in NYC, shlocking their (supposedly) best meat, all on one hot fucking day. Fat ass meat lovers bought tickets permitting 3, 6, or 9 -3oz. tastings of their choice. Or you could buy the “Whole Hog,” a cliche I hate to admit I enjoy, which gets you all the meat you could eat, unlimited water and blow-jobs from the chefs daughters. Hot dog!

I bought a ticket for 6 tastings, thinking I was going to leave partially hungry. Turns out I, or those chefs, don’t know what the hell 3 ounces of meat looks like. I never thought I would say this, but bitch had toooo much meat. Some of it forgettable, much of it average, a couple of them straight up nasty, and just a few that made me want to cry bacon infused tears of joy. The one thing I would have liked was to see more adventurous meats, the most challenging there was mutton and bison. Where was the ostrich, alligator, the endangered long-toothed hare?

I should also mention, a lot of pussies are crying on the webs about waiting in lines (not till late in the afternoon, so duh on you), not eating enough (youre fat), or… well that’s it. Mostly, I feel bad for you sorry sports cause you just paid a pretty penny for a ton of meat on a gorgeous afternoon. All I have to say is you are one privileged mother fucker.

Check out the 14 things I tried, in order of “I Hate You” to “I’ll Love Your Genitals Forever.” PS forgiven the oddly focused pics – new camera:

14. High Plains Bison’s Sliced BBQ Bison Filet Steak with Fresh Kimchee Salsa.
I almost feel bad for what I’m about to say cause I know someone put their heart and vag into this but wowza, couldn’t have been nastier if it had a roaring case of syphilis. Cold bison meat in a pool of tomato water, not an ounce of kimchee around. It should be noted that for better or worse, High Plains Bison was a paid sponsor and therefore this tasting was free.

13. Chipotle’s Niman Ranch Beef Carne Asada Taco.
Only cause it tasted like Chipotles Carne Asada Taco, and if I wanted Chipotle’s Carne Asada Taco, I would have gone to 34^th and 7^th and not Meatopia BBQ NYC. But, hip hip for Chipotle on getting down with the local thing. Whatever. (also sponsor so free)

12. Patrick Connely / Boho’s Grilled Bacon Sandwich, Pickled Greens, Tomatoes, Nappa Cabbage.
Ok, all the insides were good, but who wants one piece of bacon inside a big ass hotdog bun. Look at that!

11. Franklin Becker / Abe & Arthur’s Country Style Pork Ribs with Tomatillo Salsa
I’m just not a huge white meat kinda person. I’m sure for someone who is, this would be all kinds of bomb.

10. Akhtar Nawab / La Esquina’s Roasted Fudge Farm Pork Shoulder, Marinated with Leche Condensada, Equazote, Ajo, Y Naranjas
This is 10th cause it just wasn’t as sexy is it wants to be.

9. Michael Lomonaco / Porter House New York’s Grilled Skirt Steak Hoagies, Chimichurri & Roasted Corn.
I don’t have much to say about this but how ABUNDATE!

8. Ed Wilson / Wilsons BBQ’s Pulled Pork Shoulder, Slaw and Pickles.
Totally standard, but made my girl J drop her pants, so I think it won hearts.

7. Craig Koketsu / The Hurricane Club’s Honey-glazed Baby Back Ribs with Thai Basil & Mint.
I mean, look at it.

6. Eric Johnson / Mr Bobo’s Traveling BBQ Allstars!’s Pecan Smoked Short Rib over Asian Slaw & Bourbon Infused Mashed Sweet Potato.
Also, very nice to look at, I do enjoy that name!

5. Amanda Freitag / The Harrison’s Char Grilled English Lamb Chops
Look at the size! Is that really a tasting? That’s a lamb tasting up the ying yang, is what that is.

4. Daniel Holzma & Michael Chernow / The Meatball Shop’s Wood Grilled Bell and Evan’s Chicken, Mini Meatball Salad with White Beans and Watercress
They’re here cause they gave some greenery, which was much appreciated at this point.

3. Chris Hart / I-Que BBQ’s Competition Style Pork Shoulder.
You betchyer bottom dollar that’s made for a competition. Leapin lizards!.

2. Jonathan Waxman / Barbuto’s Grilled Marinated Chicken with Pickled Green Papaya.
The only reason why this is 2^nd and not 3^rd is because its chicken and therefore started at a disadvantage. Boy that Waxman sure makes a tender bird. And he’s a sweetheart to boot!

AND THE WEINER IS…

1. Sam Barbieri / Waterfront Ale House / Fugeddaboutit BBQ’s House Cured and Smoked Brisket Pastrami, Stout Mustard, Pretzel Roll.
Melty-in-the-Mouthy, wanna-thank-your-motha-for-a-butt-like-that, get-in-my-face amazeballs.

YUM.

By Jessica | March 17, 2010 | Dinner Parties, Main Courses, Projects | No comments

Look. I’m sick of all these bloody stereotypes of Irish people getting drunk and eating potatoes, throwing up and pissing green beer and shit. That’s why I’m trying to affirm a different association this St Patrick’s Day. Once that includes cheap, hardy, corned food and Guinness. And Jameson. And car bombs… And limericks. Shut up.

I made a corned beef, which let me let you know, is pickled beef brisket, boiled in water cause guess why. Back in the day, they’d slaughter some cows right?, and preserve what they couldn’t eat in a salty bath, and boil the last of the shit in March (St Patty’s Day), right in time for Lent, when there was no meat anyway. Goddamn, religion is so conveniently explained.

Ok, the other shit Ima put on you is a little local establishment I like to get my rocks off to and that’s Los Paisanos. Cause not that I told any of my guests that night, but Los was brining the beef for days before my paws got ahold of the slab. Let me proceed with the St Patrick’s Day menu…

Menu: Corned Beef, Red Cabbage Slaw, Individual Shepards Pie, Chocolate Guinness Cupcakes with Baileys Frosting, Car Bombs. Check it:

Corned Beef: A) It turns red all on its own. B) Bought 5 pounds of meat. C) Got like 2 pounds of meat and 2 pounds of fat. Look at them blobs!

Individual Shepard’s Pies: A) I didn’t do anything sexy here, just wanted the ol school shit. B) Except for the middle layer of kale that’s not usually in a Shepard’s or Cottage Pie. C) Shepard’s Pie is with lamb, Cottage Pie is with beef.

Chocolate Guinness Cupcakes with Bailey’s Frosting: A) I used an Epicurious recipe, go there, but lose the baking soda for a denser, more brownie like thingy. B) Frosting is 8 oz of soft cream cheese, a cup of confectioners sugar and 2 big glugs of Baileys. C) B dropped my phone.

*Craic, pronounced “crack,” means “fun” or “good times” or you can say something like, “what’s the craic?” for “what’s happening?” or “whats going on?” THANKS B for your hot Brit Butt!

By Jessica | February 22, 2010 | Main Courses | No comments

From NYMag:

With all the recent hand-wringing over the Angosturapocalypse (most recently, an Observer article on February 12), we were surprised to find jumbo $15 bottles at Spuyten Duyvil Grocery this weekend. Apparently, however, a woman who walked into Clover Club during a recent afternoon… (more from NYMag from whence this came)

(oh, and clover club can also go back from whence they came, which as i understand it, it’s my asshole garnished with gold leaf.)

By Jessica | February 19, 2010 | In The News, Main Courses, Other People's Recipes | No comments

Cause look at this fucking blog.

http://fuckyeahcilantro.tumblr.com/

By Jessica | February 10, 2010 | Main Courses, Recipes | 4 Comments

In my efforts to eat responsibly, B and I have been buying locally-sourced steaks and grinding them mothers up for ground beef. When we made burgers with it, it smelled just like a grilled streak. YUM.

Fer two burgers:

1 pound chuck steak
1/4 pound asiago cheese
selection of fresh shitakes and button mushrooms
lil bit of goat cheese
butter
truffle oil
2 Sweet Portuguese buns (or whatever you like to eat your burgers on)

Grind your meat and add NOTHING to it. And you know who told me to that? My dude, the Burger King of Brooklyn, Kyle. I asked Kyle to give me some tips on how to make the best burger, what to put in them, what to top them with, etc. He said, leave the fucking meat alone! (he didn’t yell at me though)… Make a patty, put some salt and pepper on the patty. Cook that patty. And patty abandonment was what I did. He was right. This was wrong.

Topped the burger with melted asiago and a puree of mushrooms that had been sauteed in butter and then pureed with a bit of goat cheese and a tad of truffle oil – dead ass, great burger. And the best part is that you can eat it while it still says moo cause you aint getting no ecoli, eboli or tricanosis up in this grass-fed biz.

Oh, the fries were whatever so I wont provide instruction, but they were regular thin cut fries, baked and topped with micro-planed Parmesan and lemon zest.

By Jessica | February 10, 2010 | Main Courses | No comments

(Thanks Awkward Family Photos)