Pickles For Your Loved Ones: Homemade Kimchi

It was a friend’s birthday recently so we decided to give a peck of pickled perfection. The tasty treat was a trifecta of Bob McClures Spicy Dill, Rick’s Pick’s Mean Beans, and JJ’s Homemade Tried and True Super Tested Fire Butt Kimchi (that’s the new name). Check my recipe for the least traditional kimchi you ever done heard of. But, for any of those losers that think they don’t like kimchi, give em my version and they’ll be thanking you for turning their ignance around in a big way.

Kimchi is a typical korean condiment eaten with many a meal. Generally it’s fermented cabbage, pickled with rice vinegar, sirachi, ginger, scallion, and/or garlic. I’ve also had this with daikon or radish instead of the cabbage, maybe it’s called something else, don’t know. All are great. But for mines, I’m not trying to use garlic, and I don’t ferment the cabbage, and I added extra cayenne pepper just to make sure my mouth burns when I eat it.

Oh, AND? I make huge amounts at a time. It’s really cheap to make and lasts forever. Kimchi can be eaten as a snack, condiment, garnish, and depending on spice level, a dare.

1 small white cabbage
rice wine vinegar
fresh ginger, finely diced
1 bunch of scallion, sliced to the top
Sirachi to taste
cayenne pepper to taste, I use about 3 tbs.
the largest size mason jar

Quarter the cabbage with a slice through the stem. Each quarter should have a piece of the center stem which you need to cut out and toss. Proceed to dice the cabbage into big bites. Cut your ginger and scallion. After everything is cut, begin to layer the cabbage with the scallion and the ginger in your large mason jar. Ideally you are looking for an even distribution of the three ingredients cause you won’t be able to stir the shiv once it’s in. Pack your cabbage tight. (pervert) There is more room in there than you think.

Now please forgive me for really inaccurate measurements. It’s hard to give precise measurements for this recipe because everyone is going to have slightly different amounts of liquid depending on how much cabbage you shoved in there, how much of the other ingredients you want, how pickled you want it to be, how spicy you want your ass, etc. You get me? But no worries, you can’t eff this up. Generally mix about 3 cups of vinegar with 1 cup of water and a quarter cup of sirachi. Mix well and pour into the jar. If you need more brine, create another batch with the same ratio. If you want extra spicy kimchi like this sweet baadasssss here, play with the amount of sirachi and/or add cayenne pepper. That’s what I do every time.

This is going to be ready to eat in about a day.

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